How to Hold Boundaries without Losing Connection
The Myth: “Boundaries Are a White People Thing”
I remember the first time I came back to South Africa touting all I’d learned about boundary setting to a family member and was swiftly met with a smirk and a “that’s a white people thing.”
Growing up, I was often met with the sentiment that I approach a lot of my life with “white people” values and ideals. I struggled with it for a long time. Why did it seem like I only heard this when I was asking for my needs to be met?
So of course, when I returned with my Western education in mental health, it disrupted my sense of self-worth even more. Had I internalized something that was not applicable to my culture? Was this my whiteness rearing its head again?!
I’m going to go ahead and tell you the answer is no.
Because boundaries are not a “white people thing” — they’re a human thing. In cultures where interdependence is a strength, boundaries can still exist — not to divide, but to make space for honesty, rest, and sustainability in our roles to one another.
What Are Boundaries, Really?
If you’re like me, what you learned about boundaries is that they’re selfish — a way to cut people out of your life (“If you want no friends or family, set a boundary!” ... yikes.).
This kind of thinking keeps us exhausted, resentful, and ultimately guilty.
But consider this: boundaries are agreements that support continued connection. They’re actually how we maintain healthy relationships and stay authentically connected to the people we value.
So really, when we don’t set boundaries, we risk losing ourselves — and eventually, the relationships we care about most.
What Happens When We Don’t Set Boundaries?
Here’s what I’ve seen in many of my clients when boundaries aren’t being set:
Resentment
A growing awareness of being treated unfairly, which permeates every interaction with that person or people (even the pleasant ones). They might be more irritable or snappy around that person or struggle with all requests, even those that may be otherwise harmless.
Burnout
Emotional, mental, or physical exhaustion that leads to chronic frustration, mood swings, and avoidance. A person will usually come in feeling this exhaustion in every part of their life and is often confused why they can’t even show up for things that were usually seamless.
Unintentional strike
The byproduct of burnout. They might find themself neglecting important tasks, struggling to care for themself or show up for the people and things they do feel connected and valued by.
Low self-esteem
A negative view of themself that affects their ability to speak up, advocate for themself, or feel proud of what they’ve achieved.
Often times, when someone comes to see me, they aren’t immediately aware that their issue is boundary setting. They often come in with some of the above, sharing that they’re exhausted, frustrated or feeling guilty about their behavior and not sure where it’s coming from.
Why Boundary Pushback Hurts More in Collectivistic Cultures
Our identities are Interdependent — Not Individual
In many of our cultures, our sense of self is deeply tied to our roles and relationships — being a good daughter, a loyal friend, a responsible sibling.
Setting a boundary can feel like disrupting who you are, not just what you do.
The Threat of Social Consequences Is Real
Boundaries are often described as causing momentary discomfort — but in collectivist cultures, they can come with real social costs.
Being labeled “too Western,” seen as arrogant or ungrateful, or even becoming the subject of family tension are all real possibilities. For many of us, the fear isn’t irrational — it’s based on what we’ve seen happen to others.
Generational Hierarchies Make It Even Harder
In cultures where age and authority are tied to respect, saying no to an elder isn’t just hard — it can feel unthinkable.
There’s often no room made for your capacity or limitations if it disrupts your place in the family order.
Pushback Feels Personal Because Connection Is Sacred
Relationships in our cultures are lifelines.
So when someone responds poorly to a boundary, it doesn’t just sting — it can feel like being pushed out of your community, or losing access to the people who feel like home. Your nervous system may experience it as a true threat.
Cultural Taboos Around Emotional Honesty
We’re often taught to be strong, to endure, to keep the peace.
So when you say, “This is too much for me,” it can be heard as weakness or disruption — even when it’s simply the truth.
“If boundary pushback feels like deep betrayal, it’s not because you’re too sensitive — it’s
because you’ve been raised to value connection deeply.”
How to Set Boundaries Without
Losing Connection
So, setting boundaries isn’t about cutting people off.
It’s about making intentional choices that honor both your wellbeing and your relationships.
You’re not betraying yourself if you make an active, conscious decision — even if others don’t understand it right away. What matters is that your decision is rooted in care, not just obligation.
1. Validate Your Worry — It Makes Sense
If you feel anxious or guilty about setting a boundary, you’re not being dramatic. You’re responding to real social and emotional dynamics. Furthermore, its okay to feel anxious about changing the rhythm of your relationships, it IS scary and hard! It also shows that you deeply care about showing up with intention.
2. Make Sure the Shift Is Yours
You get to define what care looks like for you. If cutting of a parent feels right, do it, if it doesn’t don’t do it. If living with your elderly and ill parent feels like the responsible thing to do culturally and you want to despite how hard it is, then do it. If it doesn’t don’t do it. Feel carefully into what boundary feels aligned with your values and context. Not those of an arbitrary western idea of limits.
You’re not betraying yourself if the choice is intentional and grounded in your truth.
3. Approach the Need Gently — and More Than Once
Boundaries aren’t a one-time declaration. There are two steps, we set the boundary, and we stick to it (through reminders, action etc.). Particularly in a collectivistic context, I encourage you deeply to return to the conversation. You can soften the language, or make it more firm, you can try again or shift it.
Start where you are. You’re allowed to take your time.
4. Be Open to Dialogue, Not Just Declaration
Sometimes the other person needs time to understand your boundary. If you feel open and safe enough to, it’s okay to keep talking about it if it feels right for the relationship. Maintaining closeness means staying open to ongoing conversations.
Boundaries are more like conversations than ultimatums.
Practical Language That Keeps Connection
Here are some relational, non-confrontational ways to express boundaries — especially in family or cultural settings where harmony matters.
With an elder or someone you’re expected to defer to:
“I hear what you're saying and I respect your experience. I’m trying a different approach right now that feels right for me, even if it’s not how we’ve always done things.”
Preserves hierarchy while creating space for your difference.
When a family member asks for help but you’re overwhelmed:
“I really want to help, and I also want to do it well. Can we talk about a time that works for both of us?”
Honors the request while naming your capacity.
When someone gives you the silent treatment after a boundary:
“I noticed you’ve been quiet lately. If you’re feeling hurt by what I said, I’m open to talking about it. My intention wasn’t to push you away — just to be honest about what I need.”
Keeps the door open for reconnection without abandoning your truth.
Gentle Reminder
Setting a boundary doesn’t mean giving up your community.
It means learning how to stay connected to others without abandoning yourself.
It may take time — and courage — but you are allowed to protect your peace and still belong. Whatever that looks like.